Friendships 2.0

This was written by a student (and friend) involved with Challenge Success. We appreciate his wlllingness to share his personal story with us.

I don’t have a Facebook account. Anymore.

About two years ago, I deleted it in a move which has since brought me a lot of weird looks and comments about how “out of the loop” I have become. People complain that I am now “hard to reach” and wonder how I manage to stay “in touch.” Which I all find very interesting. Because I have a phone. And an email address. And even a P.O. Box. And I also live on the same campus as them.

It is almost as if the rules of social interaction have been rewritten. Apparently, it is no longer socially acceptable to get by with seeing people face to face. So what is it about these new platforms that makes them such a crucial part of day to day life? Why do I really need one? And how did it get to the point where I found that they were actually hurting and not helping personal interactions?

Social media platforms have a variety of features which make them highly attractive. Yes, they make it easier to bridge distances, and they offer the gift of time in that you can be social at your convenience (if you can’t offer a response immediately, you can delay it without dropping the conversation). They also make it incredibly easy to share content with large groups of people, and keep tabs on people you might not see frequently. But more importantly, they promise something which you can never fully attain in reality: the chance to portray yourself in your own light. And this is what makes them so alluring.

When creating an online profile, everyone ends up re-inventing themselves without even realizing it. They don’t tell the whole story. Online social media platforms are strangely superficial worlds where everyone is flawless, and they have fun all the time. Because content is user-inputted, everyone always seems overwhelmingly happy, and always looks great in every picture. (After all, why would you want to put your flaws out in the open for all to see?) You rarely see people posting unflattering photos of themselves or talking about their insecurities. After all, why would they want to create that image for themselves? But as a result, interactions can never be genuine, and people become unhealthily concerned with their online appearance. Some might argue that “pictures never lie,” but in all actuality, are they really telling the truth if they don’t tell the whole story?   

Online profiles allow users to interact from a distanced perspective, which can be comforting, but is ultimately destructive. Sometimes, individuals become so used to interacting from behind their internet-fabricated façade that face-to-face interaction can be awkward. Text inevitably muffles emotional complexity, and provides unnaturally lengthy pauses in between responses. It also makes privacy impossible (just think back to the last time you turned to a friend next to you and asked “how should I respond to this?”) This in itself has radically changed how people communicate. And to think that all of this has transpired in the past decade is quite alarming.

Online social media platforms may be fun and ubiquitous, but it’s important to consider the threats they pose. Sure they make it easy to talk to your friends, but what does a “friend” even mean anymore, and just how genuine are these interactions?

COURAGEOUS PARENTING by Dr. Madeline Levine“Just five minutes more. Please.”

I’m certain there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t been begged, implored, cajoled or even threatened by their otherwise reasonable youngster when faced with the command to shut down the television, computer, video game, Facebook page, smart phone or tablet. Little kids throw tantrums, bigger kids have meltdowns and teens slam doors. It’s as if we’re cutting their digital umbilical cord without warning or anesthesia.

Almost all forms of media consumption are up, and the average child is spending over seven and a half hours a day with different forms of media (actually, closer to 11 hours a day if you separate out all of the multi-tasking.)1 This is more time than most kids spend in school or with their families and friends. Parents have every right to be concerned about the impact of such a disproportionately large amount of time spent on activities that we know so little about in terms of their potential long-term consequences. Are our kids getting smarter, duller, more social, less social, more informed, less informed?

The questions are being put out there by all organizations concerned with the well-being of children. But definitive answers are few and far between. Certainly, we know some things. Babies and toddlers shouldn’t watch TV, an hour a day of television is a reasonable amount of time for children, aggressive boys are made more aggressive by violent video games, heavy media users get lower grades than kids who are light users and also report being less happy. Most of the questions that have been answered are - how to say this? - really, really obvious. One would be hard pressed to find a parent who thinks that infants should have the TV on at all times or that boys who are aggressive would benefit from a steady diet of violence. The tough questions, however, are not yet answered. What does this much media and digital exposure do to kids’ cognitive skills, to their social relationships, to their minds?  

While it’s tempting to spend the rest of my space here setting out guidelines for your kid’s use of media, the reality is that every child is different, uses media differently and probably is affected somewhat differently by media. We are waiting for the hard science to come in. In the meantime, it’s probably a good idea to set limits on your children’s media use. Kids whose parents have rules about media (i.e. - no TV in the bedroom, or no texting at the dinner table) spend less time with media than kids with more media-lenient parents. Violent video games, particularly “first person shooter” games, are known to raise levels of aggression in boys and are particularly counterproductive for boys who already show high levels of aggression. Cyberbulling, which has exploded in recent years, is a particularly dangerous form of bullying as the anonymity of the bully only makes the bullied child feel intensely helpless, in addition to feeling humiliated.

So, we should know what our kids are doing during the time they spend with the media and digital devices. We should set limits. No child needs 7 1/2 hrs of digital time. It takes away from all of the known tasks of childhood like exploring different interests, being physically active and starting the process of developing a sense of self separate from the family. One hardly needs this psychologist to tell you what almost every parent already knows in his or her gut. That kids’ reliance on digital communication is not likely to enhance social skills, the formation of a sense of self or the development of coping skills – all things that need real-life experience.

But there is something that I do want to tell you, and it’s not about whether your child should watch a half hour or an hour of television a day (my guess is it doesn’t make much difference). I want to call your attention to something called media literacy; that is the ability to analyze and understand the less obvious messages that are imbedded in the media. Regardless of what the future holds in terms of ever changing devices and platforms and games, our children will be exposed to and involved in digital forms of media (and most likely forms we haven’t even imagined yet) for the rest of their lives. And yet, they are, as many of us are as well, profoundly ignorant of the fact that behind every message that is presented to them there is a world of perspective and agenda that is carefully hidden from sight. Whose point of view are they hearing? Why are they taking that point of view? Who stands to profit from this? The prevailing culture of our country is often buried in the stories that are chosen to be shown. Thin women, muscular men, stories of wealth and status all serve various industries that have things to sell.

Not teaching media literacy is akin to Gutenberg creating his press and then not teaching anyone how to read. Make sure that you spend enough time with your children, watching the movies they watch, the games they play, the sites they surf, so that you are able to point out and discuss exactly what is being served up. Encourage your children to construct their own media. Kids love a camera. Allowing them to participate in the act of creating also allows them to see how much thought, attention, and perspective goes into creating media. We are all concerned about our kid’s education and rightly so. The kinds of creativity, critical thinking, and flexibility that the 21^st century global economy is sure to demand are often in short supply. Media literacy classes, with their emphasis on questions rather than answers, provide a terrific, important and involving forum for our kids to learn how to think, how to analyze, how to deconstruct and how to make sure they’re not being sold a bill of goods. Understanding the agenda of the media is a critical first step in being a thoughtful consumer and, most importantly, an informed citizen.  

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1 Kaiser Family Foundation, Daily Media Use Among Children and Teens Up Dramatically From Five Years Ago, Jan. 2010

Trainers for Four-Year Olds! Will Kids Pay a Price for Getting an Athletic “Leg Up?”by Jim Lobdell

A year or so ago as I was waiting to give a presentation entitled, “A Balanced Approach to Navigating Youth Sports” to a group of preschool and elementary parents, a mom approached me and asked if it was okay if her kids’ “trainer” attended the session. This was a new one for me—4 and 5 year olds with an athletic trainer. I had visions of little kids doing boot camp-style exercises, but it turned out the trainer was a recent college grad with a sports background who was, according to the mom, “teaching them fun games that were sports related so they could begin developing a good fitness foundation.”

Hiring athletic trainers is all part of the “earlier is better, more is better” arms race that pervades youth sports, just as it does academics (think Kumon, academic camps, tutors, test prep industry, and private college advisors). Now at seemingly any age, opportunities abound for parents to provide “additional support” for their kids’ athletic development. But parents should be aware of the hidden costs of trying to get an athletic “leg up” for their kids.

Don’t waste your money on trainers at early ages. Left to their own devices, preschool and elementary school kids do just fine managing their own athletic development. Observe activities on the school playground and you’ll see they gravitate naturally to activities that fit their developmental capabilities, like climbing on play structures, jumping rope or playing handball against a wall. Activities like these form the foundation for more discreet, sport-specific athletic skills. Here’s what Lee Taft, a nationally-renowned fitness trainer, had to say about the game of tag:

“Tag might be the greatest game ever invented. There is linear speed, lateral speed, angular take-offs, moving backwards, avoidance skills, body control skills, balance, flexibility, coordination, raising and lowering of center mass, setting up opponents, strategies, team work… Basically, tag will force you to reach deep into the movement bag of tricks your body has stored.”

When your kids start playing youth sports, make sure the focus is on fun. If your kid does have talent and interest, they need to fall in love with the sport in order to want to endure the rigorous training it typically takes (10 years, 10,000 hours of practice) to compete at elite levels. Too serious too quick—be it year-round club teams or “performance enhancement”—often leads to burn-out or injury. In fact, 70 percent of 13 year olds drop out of sports altogether. The number one reason? “Because it’s just not fun anymore.”

Be judicious in considering employing an athletic trainer. There are lots of options for individualized performance training, especially as kids enter adolescence and start getting serious about their sport. If your kid is really into a sport, asks for specialized training, and finds a trainer whose approach aligns with your values and fits your budget, then it may be worth considering. But make sure your kid is driving the bus on this one. Many kids resent the pressure they feel from parents who push for more or who are fulfilling athletic dreams through them.  

Jim Lobdell, M.A., is a Challenge Success Co-Founder, educational consultant and publisher with expertise in curriculum design, school reform, parent education, and youth sports. Mr. Lobdell co-founded Teachers’ Curriculum Institute, widely regarded as the nation’s most innovative publisher of K-12 social studies curriculum. He has authored several teaching methodology books, including "Bring Learning Alive! Engaging All Learners in the Diverse Classroom" and advised school districts nationwide on teacher-training and site-based reform. A former NCAA athlete and high school social studies teacher, Mr. Lobdell currently advises the Positive Coaching Alliance, working to transform youth sports by helping to create a more positive and character building experience for young athletes.

Giving Your Child A ‘Leg Up’: A Short-Term Boost With Long-Term Consequencesby Stephanie Rafanelli

As the school year winds down, many teachers assign thought-provoking, topical projects and year-end tests to allow the students to both synthesize the semester or year’s learning and also demonstrate an ability to articulate new knowledge. While assessment itself is a fiercely debated topic and is the subject of many ongoing studies, the essential goal for any type of assessment is to allow the student to demonstrate her or his understanding. Key word: student. While I feel confident that many parents can make a lovely model of Mission San Juan Capistrano and write some excellent paragraphs to accompany the fourth grade project, that is not the point.

Unfortunately, there seems to be widespread angst about these final challenges. Performance on any particular task is perceived to either ‘make or break’ the year’s learning. Concerned parents want to be sure that their daughter or son’s work is the best it can possibly be, and here is where they veer from being supportive to being over-involved: they begin doing the work. It might be anything from lettering on the poster board to heavy editing of the final paper. While the parent feels she or he is giving their child a boost by smoothing any rough edges, they are, in fact sending some powerfully negative messages to their child. Among these are two that concern me the most:

1.     I do not think you are capable of doing this yourself, so I will do it. The parent could be right – their child may not have mastered design layout or persuasive argumentation. However, the only way they will master these skills is through practice. Years of practice can lead to mastery; years of parental intervention can lead to learned helplessness.

2.     The final product is more important than the process of learning. Academic integrity, improvement, and persistence, among other qualities, are devalued in favor of a disingenuous, but lovely, final creation. The symptoms of this focus on product can be seen in a wide array of disconcerting news, from reports of the SAT cheating scandal in New York to myriad articles about teen stress and health.

When this topic comes up in parent meetings, parents tell me, “Well, I did do a lot of the project, but that is only because I know all the other parents were doing it for their kids!” Parents, the teachers know. We, who are lucky enough to spend part of each day with your children, have observed the way each student writes, draws, solves, and collaborates. We know when the work is not your child’s. Rather than giving your child a boost, you are demonstrating that you can complete a project at a grade level you probably completed long ago. Trust your child’s educator and, more importantly, trust your child. Picture him at age thirty – will he have had enough learning opportunities to feel confident about tackling new challenges, or will he still need a boost from you? 

Stephanie Rafanelli is both a school coach and a parent education facilitator for Challenge Success. Stephanie has been a middle school science and math teacher for nineteen years. In addition to almost two decades in the classroom, she has served as department chair, both academic and also grade level Dean, a parent and faculty educator, and a leader of curriculum reform. She has founded and run several summer and afterschool programs such as Sally Ride Science Camp for Girls and Menlo Summer Explorations. Stephanie is an educational consultant for multiple organizations. When she is not thinking about education, Stephanie is usually creating chaos with her three children.

COURAGEOUS PARENTING by Dr. Madeline LevineA “Leg Up” or Cut Off at the Knees

In 1996 a young couple, Julie and Bill Clark, from Alpharetta, Georgia, invested $18,000 of their savings to produce a VHS (remember those) product called Baby Einstein. Julie, a former teacher and stay-at-home mom, and her entrepreneurial husband quickly added an extensive line of videos with names like Baby Van Gogh and Baby Mozart, beginning a Baby Einstein line-up that would eventually include multiple videos, educational toys and even a television show. The target audience for these videos was infants and children ages 3 months to 3 years (or perhaps more accurately, the parents who put their babies in front of these videos, so that mom or dad could jump into the shower, guilt free.) In any event, the Clark’s business skyrocketed, growing from $1 million to $10 million to $400 million in a little over a decade. Popularity and profits soared and, in 2001, Disney bought a majority share of the company. Estimates were that one in three American households with a baby owned at least one Baby Einstein product.

Parents bought these products for several reasons. They were clearly preferable to the standard fare of television and parents could control what their child could see, but most importantly, these products were touted as having the ability to enhance a baby’s vocabulary, musical ability or appreciation of art. In other words, they promised the elixir most seductive to parents- the opportunity to give their child an advantage, a leg up in what was assumed to be the competitive world of infancy and early childhood.

Unfortunately, researchers at the University of Washington found that babies ages 8 to 16 months actually had poorer language development than same age babies who were not exposed to the videos. Babies who watched “baby DVDs/videos” such as Baby Einstein or Brainy Baby acquired, on average, 6-8 fewer words per hour of viewing than babies who did not watch these videos. Older toddlers were not found to have any effect, positive or negative, from being exposed to the videos. In 2009, the Walt Disney Company offered a full refund for all Baby Einstein DVDs/videos purchased between 2004 and 2009.

If your child watched some Baby Einstein or other type of baby videos, don’t get hopped up. For most kids, words lost at a year are made up over the many following years. Throughout childhood, there will be many things that test as not especially helpful to their development, but hopefully many more that will. The real problem is that we don’t seem to know the difference between what actually gives our kid a "leg up", and what, at best only appears to, and at worst, is actually damaging them. A new smartphone app tells us how “normal” our infants I/O (intake/outtake) is. So now our phones can provide us with invaluable information like how closely your baby’s poop schedule resembles the poop schedule of other infants. Or whether your child is average at moving, smiling, cooing, peeing or eating. If, unfortunately, your child is hospitalized for some reason his or her I/O is important. For the vast majority of infants it is irrelevant except it means that parents are pouring over data points instead of pouring over their babies.

If by a "leg up” we mean to arm our children early and properly with the skills that are most likely to advance healthy development, here are some research-based tips for promoting learning, attachment, enthusiasm and well-being. Remember the point is not to be the swiftest (remember the tortoise and the hare) but to have the skills that will fortify your particular child through good times and bad. Childhood is not a race. It is, in the words of Selma Fraiberg, The Magic Years. Sometimes magic happens in the blink of an eye, and sometimes you have to wait patiently for magic to reveal itself. Worry less about “a leg up” and pay attention more to your child’s willingness to be challenged and sense of comfort and confidence in himself or herself.

            •Take time to get to know your baby. Attunement, that is the accurate reading of an infant’s internal state (calm, anxious, uncomfortable), is tied to almost every positive cognitive, emotional and behavioral outcome for children. This can’t be rushed, and means that rather than worrying about performance, you are learning to recognize and delight in your particular child’s signals.

            • What interests your child, interests you. If I could make it through three boys with rats and mice and lizards, you can too. The world is a never-ending source of wonder and engagement. Don’t be dismissive of your child’s interests. Many of them are likely to change and you can’t possibly predict where their interests will lead them. One of my oldest son’s friends was preoccupied with odd plants throughout childhood. He now teaches at a prestigious university and is one of the country’s experts on ferns.

            • Let your child lead the way on coaching, select teams and lessons. Often there is no faster way to kill an interest than to insist that your child is so talented that lessons are necessary. “Your voice is beautiful. I think you should take lessons twice a week” is one reasonably predictable way to help your child lose interest. The singing that was a pleasure has now become one more “work” place. Most kids will ask for instruction when they want more.

            • Welcome mistakes. Not only are they inevitable but they also help your child develop competence and resilience. Yes, I wrote a New York Times best-selling book and, yes, the first draft really sucked. To get better at anything kids need to push themselves and that means making mistakes. Model a healthy way to deal with mistakes and feedback. “I really learned something today when my boss pointed
out . . . ” as opposed to “My boss is a jerk. I cried all afternoon after he picked apart my project.”

Remember that the best “leg up” you can give your children is to help them feel good about themselves, eager to test themselves out in the world and confident that there are loving, supportive and encouraging parents standing behind them.

The Allure of Perfectionism

This was written by a student (and friend) involved with Challenge Success. We appreciate his wlllingness to share his personal story with us.

High school was the first time where I ever saw something other than a straight line on my transcript. I was shocked. But I should have seen it coming. My entire semester of AP calculus had been a grating experience, but being the stubborn student I was, I refused to really do much about it. Although I didn’t fail the class, seeing the physical manifestation of my struggles printed on an official document was a particularly humbling experience—especially because it was in a subject that I never expected to have difficulty in. 

In middle school I had been placed in an accelerated algebra class with a dozen other kids under the assumption that we would all be able to thrive in advanced courses designed for students two years our senior. The first few years weren’t easy, but still reasonably challenging, and I found myself excelling in the classroom. And it all went according to schedule. That is…until the first semester of my junior year.

Perhaps it was the overwhelming expectations that I was holding myself to which ultimately did me in. After all, nobody was making me take the class—I thought I was doing myself a favor by throwing myself into such a rigorous academic climate. I thought that the thrill of being stretched past my limits would make me stronger. And although I didn’t know exactly what ultimate goal I had in mind for myself, I gravitated towards the hardest classes and tried to get the best grades. Not really to quench a thirst for knowledge, but rather to see it all add up on paper, to go beyond excellence—to be perfect.

But the inherent paradox in “perfectionism” is that by its very definition, it promises a state of flawlessness which can never be obtained. Had I approached the class (or perhaps its less-rigorous equivalent) with a more realistic mindset, and not with the expectation that utterly brilliant formulas would spout out of my pen every time it touched paper, maybe it would not have become so overwhelming. At the same time, it is important not to confuse “perfectionism” with the pursuit of excellence that every person should be striving for. It is always in your best interest to be trying your hardest, but it is equally important to reconcile the fact that although “hardest” may look different for everybody, it never means “perfect.”

Episodes of failure are just as important as those of success. My struggles with high-level math pushed me outside of my comfort zone and forced me to think of new ways of coping that were invaluable later in my high school career and also in college. Once I had accepted my limitations, I asked my teacher for help, I formed study groups with my friends; I formulated new ways of studying which made profound differences down the road. Embracing disaster was difficult, and coming to terms with my personal flaws was even more so. However, it was far better to learn and move on, than to live with the crushing frustration that inevitably accompanies striving to attain the impossible.

Encouraging Failure to Promote Successby Jennifer Trainor

I often ask my graduate students, all of whom plan to be teachers, an unnerving question:  how will they set up their classrooms so that failure is rewarded?  The question forces us to confront our fears, and assumptions, about failure: “Wouldn’t that just encourage laziness or lack of effort?” the grad students ask. “Give students permission to give up?” 

A similar fear often governs our parenting.  A friend confides that she’s worried: if her daughter doesn’t do well in school, she’ll lose confidence, and decide she’s just not that academic.  Not only do we worry that failure will mar our children’s chances at future success. We also worry that it will mar their very identities, hurt their self-esteem, and create a self-fulfilling prophesy, an acceptance of failure.

But if an identity built on failure is a problem, much research suggests that its opposite – an identity built on successful performance – can be equally problematic.  What happens when the daughter who gets 100% on every math test encounters a problem she can’t solve? What happens when the son who writes teacher-pleasing essays every time encounters an audience who doesn’t offer him the instant gratification of praiseful reward?  The value of failure is that it teaches resilience and, if handled right, can nurture an identity based not on perfection but on the willingness to try, to problem-solve, to self-critique and try again. 

Without such an identity, a child will learn to avoid challenging tasks: she will run from circumstances that threaten her identity as a “good test-taker.”  She will avoid situations – a challenging assignment, a hard teacher, the next level in the workbook -- that threaten her ability to perform as a “good student.”  I know, because this is the process by which I became “math phobic” in school.  Having developed an identity as a “good student,” I couldn’t tolerate a situation that challenged it.  And so I did what perfectionists do:  I declared myself “not a math person,” and avoided the subject all the way through graduate school.

I see such performance-oriented perfectionism in the college freshman I teach.

“What should I say in the assignment?” a typical “successful” student will ask. “Is there a rubric that says what you’re looking for?”

In these questions, I see the symptoms of perfectionism:  Where the student needs risk-taking, he exhibits caution. Where he needs intellectual engagement, he seeks external rewards. Where he needs problem-solving skills, he looks for answers in an authority figure.  Eventually, he will turn in a perfectly executed but intellectually empty essay, and he will not get an A. 

Now here’s the damning part. It’s early in the semester and rather than ask questions about what went wrong and learn from the experience, he will drop the class and shop around for another, less challenging, less threatening to his identity.

So how do we encourage problem-solving, rather than perfectionism? How do we nurture a positive stance toward failure?  The experts tell us to focus on effort, not performance.  In one fascinating study, two groups of students were given a test. All did well, but half of the students were then told that they must be good test-takers; the other half that they must have worked hard.  When they were given another test, guess which group out-performed the other? Those who were praised for innate abilities gave up on questions they couldn’t easily answer. Those who were praised for effort kept trying, and succeeded. 

With my own children, I’ve learned to praise the attitude, not the innate attribute. “You love playing that song,” I say, rather than “You’re good at the piano.”

“You’re determined to figure it out” (not, you’re so smart).

“You’re dedicated to this game” (not, you’re a great player).

What would it mean to take this a step farther: to praise children for courage in the face of failure? To remind them that failures are generative – they lead to exploration, problem-solving, and learning? Such a step might seem counter-intuitive, but paradoxically, allowing for failure, even encouraging it, may set children on a path to true success.

Jennifer Seibel Trainor is the author "Rethinking Racism," (Southern Illinois University Press), as well as several essays on education. She teaches in the English department at San Francisco State University, and lives with her family in the San Francisco Bay Area.