Every psychologist knows that there are certain times
of the year when the phone starts ringing like mad. Winter holidays are one of
those times when people’s hopes for idyllic family reunions often meets the
reality of your uncle who drinks too much, your siblings who reliably don’t
show up or your mother who thinks you married “down.” Most of us in the mental health profession stay close to our
offices between Christmas and New Years, anticipating teary, disappointed calls
from adults who find, once again, that their Norman Rockwell visions have
turned into Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
For decades, this was the toughest time of year for both patients (well, many
people actually) and therapists, when old hurts, disappointments and wounds
unexpectedly reappeared, often taking center stage.
But times have changed and we have a new contender for
the emotionally toughest time of year - and that is March - when college
acceptances and rejections come in. What is profoundly different about this
difficult time from what I described above is that, for the most part, it is
unnecessary and fabricated not out of real trauma, but manufactured trauma. My
phone rings this morning at 8AM (right after mail delivery) and a sobbing
mother relates how her son was just rejected from “ the only school we wanted.”
The first thing to note of course is the “we.” I’m assuming it’s her son who is going to college and not
the whole family. But like many of these phone calls, the bleeding between the
needs of the high schooler and the needs of the parents, practically needs a
tourniquet. Parents are beside themselves about rejections that are incidental
to their children; children are beside themselves about disappointing their
parents. The normal level of excitement and disappointment that one would
expect at this point is so out of proportion to the reality of what it means to
go to Wisconsin instead of Michigan, Georgetown instead of Princeton, Santa
Cruz instead of UCLA or Sonoma State instead of San Jose State as to defy easy
explanation. So here’s my best shot at what is really going on during March Madness.
First of all, we’ve come to believe that where our
children go to college will have a profound impact on how their lives turn out.
There are companies that “guarantee” admission to a prestigious college if you
start working with them while your child is still a toddler. Many schools begin
college preparation in 6th grade and even more in 9th.
This emphasis lets our children (and ourselves) know early and regularly that
high school and even childhood are staging areas for something that will happen
years, even decades later. In fact, both childhood and adolescence have a whole
bunch of requirements of their own that have nothing to do with where your
child ultimately goes to college. Long before that happens, they need to show
self-control, get interested in themselves and the world, know how to talk and
work with other people and reflect on their future selves. Premature focus on
college takes away much needed time from the tasks and skills that kids need to
master in order to go on and be successful college students, and then successful
adults.
So does the college that your child goes to matter? Yes,
of course. But not necessarily in the way we’ve become accustomed to thinking
about it. Colleges and universities matter when they fit well with the needs,
interests and temperament of your child. The child who thrives in a big social
setting is unlikely to do well in a small rural school. The child who loves
structure, may struggle with a school where there are few requirements. College
is a match, not a prize. We have our eye on the wrong ball when we care most
about the “ranking” of the college our child goes to. Academically talented
kids, for the most part, go to competitive schools. But these handful of top
schools can fill their classes many times over with bright kids. No kid should
feel like a failure (another typical March phone call - a crying youngster who
won’t get out of bed saying “I did everything right and it was for nothing.”)
It is a tragedy to have high performing kids feel like failures when they don’t
get into the toughest schools. It is equally a tragedy to marginalize kids who
go to community colleges. “It’s
tough to make predictions, especially about the future,” said Yogi Berra. Few
of us have walked a straight and narrow path to “success.” Many of us have changed focus, schools
and careers. We should know better. There are few individual things that will
determine our life’s trajectory. Life is simply more complex than that. No
school guarantees success in life and no school eliminates it.
Instead of crying over rejections, we should be
celebrating acceptances with our kids in March. Of course going to a high-ranking
school may carry potential advantages. But an Ivy League study showed
that there were no ultimate differences in workplace success or satisfaction
among students who were accepted to Ivy League schools and attended and those
who were accepted but didn’t go there. Ultimately it is your child’s life. The best guarantees of
success for our children - not at the end of the grading period, not when they
get into college - but twenty years down the line when they move into their
adult lives, have to do with real involvement with learning (not just going
through the motions,) a good emotional foundation and good values. Their
college acceptances have nothing, or little, to do with your parenting. This is
about your child. And they should feel good about moving towards one of the
greatest transitions in their lives. Wherever your kid gets into college this
month, go out and celebrate. This is how you share without bleeding.
