The Art and Practice of Play by Stephanie Rafanelli

4 year-old: So, what do you want to do?
10 year-old: I don’t know.
4 year-old: Well, you could be my dog.
10 year-old: Ok.
4 year-old: But this time, you have to behave.

If you live with a preschooler, play is probably the default activity in your home. Make believe, construction, water play and more are staples in our house, even for our thirteen and ten year-olds. Variations of the conversation above, one I overheard a few months ago, occur on a daily basis and the infectious enthusiasm of our youngest is nearly impossible to resist.

Assorted scholars define play differently. I am comfortable with this simple definition of play: play is any freely chosen and self-directed activity. Soccer practice, while hopefully fun, is not play. A neighborhood whiffle ball tournament with group-decided bases and imaginary all-star players is play.

While we live in an era in which play and free time have been marginalized, I am thrilled to see the increasing attention paid to the vital importance of play. Decades of research1 combined with new studies have confirmed the critical role of play in developing self-control, executive function skills, socio-emotional learning, problem solving, coordination, language processing . . . I could go on. Practicing the art of play is essential to becoming a highly functional human and a positive member of any community.

As a middle school educator, I find myself in conversations with parents who are convinced of the value of play, but are unsure what play might look like for a middle school student. As long as the activity is freely chosen and self-directed, it can be play. Here are a few ideas to help you foster your child’s practice of play:

1. Schedule time for nothing. Put it on the family calendar. Try to schedule these times as often as possible.
2. Model play. Read in front of your kids. Invent new recipes to test out. Daydream. Dance (full disclosure – this embarrasses my older two to no end). Write a story. Play word games. Take a walk without a destination.
3. Have as many resources around as possible. Visit the library regularly to have a trove of good books lying about. Visit recycling areas to have affordable access to cardboard and building materials. Look for art store sales to stock up on any fun materials. Have a few big tubs or buckets. Keep discarded paper and a few old newspapers and magazines for building, folding, weaving, cutting, collaging, painting, etc.
4. Be comfortable with “I’m bored.” This statement is wielded very effectively by some kids in search of defined structure, a quick treat, or what seems to be the common default – extra electronic media time. Acknowledge your child’s statement and ask if they would like you to make some suggestions or if they want to come up with ideas on their own.
5. If they want some more specific suggestions, here are a few:
• Create a script and make a movie, a commercial, a dance routine, a video letter to your future self, etc.
• Be the chef tomorrow. Plan a menu, decide what ingredients need to be purchased, think about portions and a budget, decide if a sous chef is needed. If possible, figure out a way to get to a store on your own.
• Invent an instrument and try to play a recognizable tune. Design a submarine that floats exactly in the center of a tub of water. Find some slime recipes (there are many), make a few, and compare. Try to combine two different objects and create a new item (further – create an advertising poster to sell the new invention).
• Copy some old comic strips or cartoons and rewrite your own captions. Add new figures or erase parts of the original. Become a humor researcher – check some comic books out from the library and decide what parts are funny.
• Play soccer with a tennis ball. Try to juggle it (soccer-style), catch it on the nape of your neck, control it accurately with your foot, and shoot at a mini target.
• Draw, cartoon, paint, sculpt, create poetry, write. Compose a musical piece or craft a song or rap. Build, sand, and paint some wood.
6. Pay attention. Catch your child being engaged in or excited about something. Then do what you can to create the time and tools for those explorations to continue. Without guidance.

With a little practice, we can all fall back into the magical – and essential – habit of playing.

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1To read some of the research, I recommend the work of Marian Diamond, Alison Gopnik, Jaak Panksepp, Jane Myck-Wayne, Elena Bodrova with Deborah J. Leong, and Laura Schulz with Elizabeth Bonawitz. To read a good survey of the research on play, I recommend the aptly titled Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown.

Stephanie Rafanelli is both a school coach and a parent education facilitator for Challenge Success. Stephanie has been a middle school science and math teacher for nineteen years. In addition to almost two decades in the classroom, she has served as department chair, both academic and also grade level Dean, a parent and faculty educator, and a leader of curriculum reform. She has founded and run several summer and afterschool programs such as Sally Ride Science Camp for Girls and Menlo Summer Explorations. Stephanie is an educational consultant for multiple organizations. When she is not thinking about education, Stephanie is usually creating chaos with her three children.

COURAGEOUS PARENTING by Madeline Levine, Ph.D.Why it Pays to Play

If you’re like many parents, your child’s summer may already be booked up with “enriching activities.” Maybe you’re shipping her off to a rigorous math or computer camp designed to give her an academic edge. At the very least you’re using the break from school to double up on her (already daunting) schedule of gymnastics and dance classes, supplemented with an ambitious summer reading list.

I have a question though: When will your child have time to play? Just…play?

It’s too bad that the old-fashioned notion of summer as endless free time—to climb trees, chase fireflies, build a fort in the woods, maybe set up a lemonade stand—has fallen by the wayside. This is what kids need—they need it far more than they need a high-priced summer camp or some other program aimed at cramming a little bit more learning into their exhausted brains.

Play is serious business. We may see it as wasted time, but it’s actually anything but. Play is the work of childhood. It’s a classroom in which children develop a whole set of skills that really matter both in school and in life. Indeed, research shows that children who attend play-based preschools, as opposed to academic preschools, do significantly better in school down the line.

David Elkind, one of the country’s most knowledgeable (and beloved) experts on child development, says that “play is essential to positive human development.” He recognizes that there are different types of play: play that teaches children concepts and skills, play that initiates children into the world of peer relations, and play that helps kids develop strategies for dealing with stress.

What these variations on play have in common is that they are self-initiated and self-directed—the playing child is calling the shots.

If a child goes into his room and strums on his guitar because he loves it, that’s play. When an instructor comes into the picture and starts teaching guitar, the child may enjoy the experience but he’s far less likely to be playing because his attempts to improve are no longer self-directed.

If you really want to up the ante, consider that tomorrow’s adults may need the exact skills developed by play—creativity, innovation, collaboration, problem solving, and self-direction—more than any other generation before. The global economy demands them. This makes it even more ironic that time for free, unstructured, self-directed play is at an all-time low.

So what, exactly, is it that makes play so valuable? Here are some of the reasons:

It miniaturizes the world so that kids can deal with it. Watch your daughter play with the “family” in her dollhouse. She will set rules, enforce them and have siblings collaborate. While her older brothers may be intimidating to her, the miniature “siblings” are not. She has a chance to experiment with different ways of relating (being friends, bopping each other over the head) that will help her navigate the bigger world.

It teaches them how to handle stress and conflict. Consider the spats, arguments, and out-and-out fights kids get into when they’re playing with their friends. If they can’t resolve or at least smooth over their disagreements, then the game will grind to a halt—and that’s not good for anyone.

It’s a feast for the senses—and the senses are the vehicles for childhood learning. You can explain a concept to children all day and they won’t get it. But when they discover it themselves—by doing, not by listening to someone talk—that’s when the light bulb really comes on.

It gives kids a sense of power in a world in which they are essentially powerless. This is why kids love pretend dragon-slaying so much: they are helpless in the face of real-world “dragons” like parents, teachers, and other authority figures. Try to remember what it felt like to be small and powerless. Much of children’s fiction is based on this theme (think Dorothy and her shaking clan before the hidden Wizard of Oz).

It bridges the gap between imagination and creativity. All children are imaginative. Anyone who has ever seen a little girl wearing a white bathrobe and a towel draped over her head pretending she’s getting married or a little boy using a stick he found in the yard to cast wizard spells at the family dog has seen that imagination in action. Self-directed play cultivates that imagination into creativity.

It teaches us about ourselves. A sense of self must be shaped internally, not externally. Kids need to learn what they’re good at and not good at—what they like and don’t like—on their own rather than being told by parents, coaches, and instructors. This is why it’s so important to let our kids try out lots of different activities rather than immersing them full-time in one or two that you prefer.

It is this sense of self that provides a home base, a place to retreat to, throughout life. If they don’t have that they will be always looking for external direction and validation. Business leaders are saying that this constant looking outside for validation makes for workers who need too much time, resources and direction.

Media and “The Meanest Mom in Town” by Stephanie Rafanelli

In the interest of full disclosure, I have the “only” seventh grader in “the whole town” who does not have a mobile phone. According to his friends I might be the “meanest mom in town”…

As Madeline Levine persuasively contended in her most recent post, an essential job of parenting in our (especially electronic) media-saturated society is teaching media literacy. In fact, I believe this so strongly that I have incorporated media literacy activities into my classroom curriculum for over a decade. However, in our home we have delayed some of the thornier issues surrounding media inflow. We have one family computer and one television. Both sit in a public area and their use is determined by our family rules.

We expect our children to learn how to become savvy media consumers and we know that the learning process will probably involve some mistakes. For our thirteen year-old, we know he is not quite ready to tackle some of the decisions that accompany texting, immediate picture uploading, or constant availability. As the news will support, even ostensibly responsible and media-conscious political leaders need some more guidance with appropriate versus inappropriate electronic media usage.

In addition to delaying the purchase of a phone, we have limited the amount of media friction in our house by using this time-honored parental technique: distraction. Our oldest is an enthusiastic soccer and baseball player, so we found camps where he could both volunteer and also earn a little money as a junior counselor. The benefits of his “job” are many. He is out of the house and running around for most of the day. He is tired and needs to be up early, so his sleep timing has remained similar to his school-year schedule. He is developing a wonderful sense of responsibility and community through meeting and caring for a pack of younger players. His confidence is growing as he gets immediate and authentic feedback about being a competent counselor. His job skills and reference pool are expanding and will serve as a base when he eventually applies for a ‘real’ job. And, of course, he has much less time to try to negotiate electronic media time.

Encouraging adolescents to do something else with their time is perhaps an obvious, but I think important point. Video games, cell phones, computers, satellite television, iPods, iPads … the opportunity for electronic entertainment is abundant. It is far more prevalent than when I was a teenager.  As a result parents need to be more vigilant and more proactive in encouraging their children to experience and participate in the world around them without the filter of a screen.

In the not very distant future, our oldest will likely get a phone and/or a computer. We will continue to have a family electronic media contract and will involve our kids in determining a baseline rate plan with responsibility for overage. We will build up to allowing computer use in a more private space and will require our children to “friend” us when they get a social media account. We will keep reading the books and watching the shows our children are consuming so we can foster their ability to question what they are absorbing. We will insist that all electronic devices spend the night in the kitchen to preserve a sleep-friendly* bedroom.

As we often say at Challenge Success, one size does not fit all. Given the personalities of our ten and four year-old children, we predict the timing for each will be different. We have no idea where technology and electronic media will be in the next few years (our 4 year old was born into an iPhone and Facebook world, not so our 10 year old) so we continue to gauge each new freedom as our children and the landscape changes.

For now, I might remain the “meanest mom in town” for
another year . . .

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*First, we hope to prevent nighttime social activity. Second, we think the research demonstrating that using a bright screen can delay the natural production of Melatonin, the body’s sleep hormone, is pretty compelling.


Stephanie Rafanelli is both a school coach and a parent education facilitator for Challenge Success. Stephanie has been a middle school science and math teacher for nineteen years. In addition to almost two decades in the classroom, she has served as department chair, both academic and also grade level Dean, a parent and faculty educator, and a leader of curriculum reform. She has founded and run several summer and afterschool programs such as Sally Ride Science Camp for Girls and Menlo Summer Explorations. Stephanie is an educational consultant for multiple organizations. When she is not thinking about education, Stephanie is usually creating chaos with her three children.

Friendships 2.0

This was written by a student (and friend) involved with Challenge Success. We appreciate his wlllingness to share his personal story with us.

I don’t have a Facebook account. Anymore.

About two years ago, I deleted it in a move which has since brought me a lot of weird looks and comments about how “out of the loop” I have become. People complain that I am now “hard to reach” and wonder how I manage to stay “in touch.” Which I all find very interesting. Because I have a phone. And an email address. And even a P.O. Box. And I also live on the same campus as them.

It is almost as if the rules of social interaction have been rewritten. Apparently, it is no longer socially acceptable to get by with seeing people face to face. So what is it about these new platforms that makes them such a crucial part of day to day life? Why do I really need one? And how did it get to the point where I found that they were actually hurting and not helping personal interactions?

Social media platforms have a variety of features which make them highly attractive. Yes, they make it easier to bridge distances, and they offer the gift of time in that you can be social at your convenience (if you can’t offer a response immediately, you can delay it without dropping the conversation). They also make it incredibly easy to share content with large groups of people, and keep tabs on people you might not see frequently. But more importantly, they promise something which you can never fully attain in reality: the chance to portray yourself in your own light. And this is what makes them so alluring.

When creating an online profile, everyone ends up re-inventing themselves without even realizing it. They don’t tell the whole story. Online social media platforms are strangely superficial worlds where everyone is flawless, and they have fun all the time. Because content is user-inputted, everyone always seems overwhelmingly happy, and always looks great in every picture. (After all, why would you want to put your flaws out in the open for all to see?) You rarely see people posting unflattering photos of themselves or talking about their insecurities. After all, why would they want to create that image for themselves? But as a result, interactions can never be genuine, and people become unhealthily concerned with their online appearance. Some might argue that “pictures never lie,” but in all actuality, are they really telling the truth if they don’t tell the whole story?   

Online profiles allow users to interact from a distanced perspective, which can be comforting, but is ultimately destructive. Sometimes, individuals become so used to interacting from behind their internet-fabricated façade that face-to-face interaction can be awkward. Text inevitably muffles emotional complexity, and provides unnaturally lengthy pauses in between responses. It also makes privacy impossible (just think back to the last time you turned to a friend next to you and asked “how should I respond to this?”) This in itself has radically changed how people communicate. And to think that all of this has transpired in the past decade is quite alarming.

Online social media platforms may be fun and ubiquitous, but it’s important to consider the threats they pose. Sure they make it easy to talk to your friends, but what does a “friend” even mean anymore, and just how genuine are these interactions?

COURAGEOUS PARENTING by Dr. Madeline Levine“Just five minutes more. Please.”

I’m certain there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t been begged, implored, cajoled or even threatened by their otherwise reasonable youngster when faced with the command to shut down the television, computer, video game, Facebook page, smart phone or tablet. Little kids throw tantrums, bigger kids have meltdowns and teens slam doors. It’s as if we’re cutting their digital umbilical cord without warning or anesthesia.

Almost all forms of media consumption are up, and the average child is spending over seven and a half hours a day with different forms of media (actually, closer to 11 hours a day if you separate out all of the multi-tasking.)1 This is more time than most kids spend in school or with their families and friends. Parents have every right to be concerned about the impact of such a disproportionately large amount of time spent on activities that we know so little about in terms of their potential long-term consequences. Are our kids getting smarter, duller, more social, less social, more informed, less informed?

The questions are being put out there by all organizations concerned with the well-being of children. But definitive answers are few and far between. Certainly, we know some things. Babies and toddlers shouldn’t watch TV, an hour a day of television is a reasonable amount of time for children, aggressive boys are made more aggressive by violent video games, heavy media users get lower grades than kids who are light users and also report being less happy. Most of the questions that have been answered are - how to say this? - really, really obvious. One would be hard pressed to find a parent who thinks that infants should have the TV on at all times or that boys who are aggressive would benefit from a steady diet of violence. The tough questions, however, are not yet answered. What does this much media and digital exposure do to kids’ cognitive skills, to their social relationships, to their minds?  

While it’s tempting to spend the rest of my space here setting out guidelines for your kid’s use of media, the reality is that every child is different, uses media differently and probably is affected somewhat differently by media. We are waiting for the hard science to come in. In the meantime, it’s probably a good idea to set limits on your children’s media use. Kids whose parents have rules about media (i.e. - no TV in the bedroom, or no texting at the dinner table) spend less time with media than kids with more media-lenient parents. Violent video games, particularly “first person shooter” games, are known to raise levels of aggression in boys and are particularly counterproductive for boys who already show high levels of aggression. Cyberbulling, which has exploded in recent years, is a particularly dangerous form of bullying as the anonymity of the bully only makes the bullied child feel intensely helpless, in addition to feeling humiliated.

So, we should know what our kids are doing during the time they spend with the media and digital devices. We should set limits. No child needs 7 1/2 hrs of digital time. It takes away from all of the known tasks of childhood like exploring different interests, being physically active and starting the process of developing a sense of self separate from the family. One hardly needs this psychologist to tell you what almost every parent already knows in his or her gut. That kids’ reliance on digital communication is not likely to enhance social skills, the formation of a sense of self or the development of coping skills – all things that need real-life experience.

But there is something that I do want to tell you, and it’s not about whether your child should watch a half hour or an hour of television a day (my guess is it doesn’t make much difference). I want to call your attention to something called media literacy; that is the ability to analyze and understand the less obvious messages that are imbedded in the media. Regardless of what the future holds in terms of ever changing devices and platforms and games, our children will be exposed to and involved in digital forms of media (and most likely forms we haven’t even imagined yet) for the rest of their lives. And yet, they are, as many of us are as well, profoundly ignorant of the fact that behind every message that is presented to them there is a world of perspective and agenda that is carefully hidden from sight. Whose point of view are they hearing? Why are they taking that point of view? Who stands to profit from this? The prevailing culture of our country is often buried in the stories that are chosen to be shown. Thin women, muscular men, stories of wealth and status all serve various industries that have things to sell.

Not teaching media literacy is akin to Gutenberg creating his press and then not teaching anyone how to read. Make sure that you spend enough time with your children, watching the movies they watch, the games they play, the sites they surf, so that you are able to point out and discuss exactly what is being served up. Encourage your children to construct their own media. Kids love a camera. Allowing them to participate in the act of creating also allows them to see how much thought, attention, and perspective goes into creating media. We are all concerned about our kid’s education and rightly so. The kinds of creativity, critical thinking, and flexibility that the 21^st century global economy is sure to demand are often in short supply. Media literacy classes, with their emphasis on questions rather than answers, provide a terrific, important and involving forum for our kids to learn how to think, how to analyze, how to deconstruct and how to make sure they’re not being sold a bill of goods. Understanding the agenda of the media is a critical first step in being a thoughtful consumer and, most importantly, an informed citizen.  

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1 Kaiser Family Foundation, Daily Media Use Among Children and Teens Up Dramatically From Five Years Ago, Jan. 2010

Trainers for Four-Year Olds! Will Kids Pay a Price for Getting an Athletic “Leg Up?”by Jim Lobdell

A year or so ago as I was waiting to give a presentation entitled, “A Balanced Approach to Navigating Youth Sports” to a group of preschool and elementary parents, a mom approached me and asked if it was okay if her kids’ “trainer” attended the session. This was a new one for me—4 and 5 year olds with an athletic trainer. I had visions of little kids doing boot camp-style exercises, but it turned out the trainer was a recent college grad with a sports background who was, according to the mom, “teaching them fun games that were sports related so they could begin developing a good fitness foundation.”

Hiring athletic trainers is all part of the “earlier is better, more is better” arms race that pervades youth sports, just as it does academics (think Kumon, academic camps, tutors, test prep industry, and private college advisors). Now at seemingly any age, opportunities abound for parents to provide “additional support” for their kids’ athletic development. But parents should be aware of the hidden costs of trying to get an athletic “leg up” for their kids.

Don’t waste your money on trainers at early ages. Left to their own devices, preschool and elementary school kids do just fine managing their own athletic development. Observe activities on the school playground and you’ll see they gravitate naturally to activities that fit their developmental capabilities, like climbing on play structures, jumping rope or playing handball against a wall. Activities like these form the foundation for more discreet, sport-specific athletic skills. Here’s what Lee Taft, a nationally-renowned fitness trainer, had to say about the game of tag:

“Tag might be the greatest game ever invented. There is linear speed, lateral speed, angular take-offs, moving backwards, avoidance skills, body control skills, balance, flexibility, coordination, raising and lowering of center mass, setting up opponents, strategies, team work… Basically, tag will force you to reach deep into the movement bag of tricks your body has stored.”

When your kids start playing youth sports, make sure the focus is on fun. If your kid does have talent and interest, they need to fall in love with the sport in order to want to endure the rigorous training it typically takes (10 years, 10,000 hours of practice) to compete at elite levels. Too serious too quick—be it year-round club teams or “performance enhancement”—often leads to burn-out or injury. In fact, 70 percent of 13 year olds drop out of sports altogether. The number one reason? “Because it’s just not fun anymore.”

Be judicious in considering employing an athletic trainer. There are lots of options for individualized performance training, especially as kids enter adolescence and start getting serious about their sport. If your kid is really into a sport, asks for specialized training, and finds a trainer whose approach aligns with your values and fits your budget, then it may be worth considering. But make sure your kid is driving the bus on this one. Many kids resent the pressure they feel from parents who push for more or who are fulfilling athletic dreams through them.  

Jim Lobdell, M.A., is a Challenge Success Co-Founder, educational consultant and publisher with expertise in curriculum design, school reform, parent education, and youth sports. Mr. Lobdell co-founded Teachers’ Curriculum Institute, widely regarded as the nation’s most innovative publisher of K-12 social studies curriculum. He has authored several teaching methodology books, including "Bring Learning Alive! Engaging All Learners in the Diverse Classroom" and advised school districts nationwide on teacher-training and site-based reform. A former NCAA athlete and high school social studies teacher, Mr. Lobdell currently advises the Positive Coaching Alliance, working to transform youth sports by helping to create a more positive and character building experience for young athletes.

Giving Your Child A ‘Leg Up’: A Short-Term Boost With Long-Term Consequencesby Stephanie Rafanelli

As the school year winds down, many teachers assign thought-provoking, topical projects and year-end tests to allow the students to both synthesize the semester or year’s learning and also demonstrate an ability to articulate new knowledge. While assessment itself is a fiercely debated topic and is the subject of many ongoing studies, the essential goal for any type of assessment is to allow the student to demonstrate her or his understanding. Key word: student. While I feel confident that many parents can make a lovely model of Mission San Juan Capistrano and write some excellent paragraphs to accompany the fourth grade project, that is not the point.

Unfortunately, there seems to be widespread angst about these final challenges. Performance on any particular task is perceived to either ‘make or break’ the year’s learning. Concerned parents want to be sure that their daughter or son’s work is the best it can possibly be, and here is where they veer from being supportive to being over-involved: they begin doing the work. It might be anything from lettering on the poster board to heavy editing of the final paper. While the parent feels she or he is giving their child a boost by smoothing any rough edges, they are, in fact sending some powerfully negative messages to their child. Among these are two that concern me the most:

1.     I do not think you are capable of doing this yourself, so I will do it. The parent could be right – their child may not have mastered design layout or persuasive argumentation. However, the only way they will master these skills is through practice. Years of practice can lead to mastery; years of parental intervention can lead to learned helplessness.

2.     The final product is more important than the process of learning. Academic integrity, improvement, and persistence, among other qualities, are devalued in favor of a disingenuous, but lovely, final creation. The symptoms of this focus on product can be seen in a wide array of disconcerting news, from reports of the SAT cheating scandal in New York to myriad articles about teen stress and health.

When this topic comes up in parent meetings, parents tell me, “Well, I did do a lot of the project, but that is only because I know all the other parents were doing it for their kids!” Parents, the teachers know. We, who are lucky enough to spend part of each day with your children, have observed the way each student writes, draws, solves, and collaborates. We know when the work is not your child’s. Rather than giving your child a boost, you are demonstrating that you can complete a project at a grade level you probably completed long ago. Trust your child’s educator and, more importantly, trust your child. Picture him at age thirty – will he have had enough learning opportunities to feel confident about tackling new challenges, or will he still need a boost from you? 

Stephanie Rafanelli is both a school coach and a parent education facilitator for Challenge Success. Stephanie has been a middle school science and math teacher for nineteen years. In addition to almost two decades in the classroom, she has served as department chair, both academic and also grade level Dean, a parent and faculty educator, and a leader of curriculum reform. She has founded and run several summer and afterschool programs such as Sally Ride Science Camp for Girls and Menlo Summer Explorations. Stephanie is an educational consultant for multiple organizations. When she is not thinking about education, Stephanie is usually creating chaos with her three children.